Shut the Front Door

They rule in the summer. Around the porch. Over the grass. In the air. Everywhere. It’s not summer without flying bugs.

And know that I used to be a summer camp counselor. Bugs and camp, inseparable things. Those open-air cabins provided amenities like holes in the window screens. At the edges of the camp fire? Bugs. At the pool? Bugs. On hikes in the woods? Bugs. I brushed them off, swatted them away, kept going. No big deal. Losing a camper would be a big deal. Bugs that can’t sass back are not a big deal.

So when a horsefly trapped itself between my front door and my screen door, you ‘d think I would keep it calm. I crack the door open and listen over the signal bells that hang on the door knob for the dog. The heat from the sun blasts me. I hear wings flapping, muffled noises of the beast hitting the mesh. It sounds like it’s above me. Great.

I won’t be boxing this creature out of the sky. I’m not risking the sting of a connection. The only punch I have in common with Sugar Ray Leonard is retinal detachment. Left, right, facedown.

I take a breath. I stick out my arm, stretching like a housewife ninja from behind the front door I’m using as a shield. I reach for the handle of the screen door, flinging it open as wide as I can before slamming the front door shut.

I wait, giving a silent count.

I pull the door open and listen. Can’t see the menace right away with the low vision and I don’t want to be standing inches away from it any longer than I need to. I hear it. It’s still there. I sigh. I repeat the open and reach and fling action, willing the horsefly to flit away. Nope, still there.

I pause and collect myself. Why am I so tense? This horsefly can’t kill me. All I’m accomplishing is terrier nap disruption. But I want this bug gone and gone now. I’m putting my old bravery to shame. One horsefly and I fall apart.

I shake my head and inhale. I give the insect exit strategy a third try. I add additional spastic screen door shoves before I slam the front door.

I listen and listen. Silence.





2 Comments Add yours

  1. Great post… I must say I got a chuckle out of the housewife ninja. I showed that to my wife and she said all wives are ninjas… they have to be in order to have the mental discipline to put up with their husbands. Too funny.

    1. Thank you! Your wife is onto something there, haha.

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