Dairy Queen

Enough is enough. I’m not going to take it anymore…it’s got to go, this humidity. Frozen treat craving alert. Ice cream. Popsicles. Italian ice. Slushies. More more more my overheated body demands. On hot days, it’s hard not to rage from heat discomfort like a wall-busting creature of the Upside Down in Netflix’s Stranger Things. Yikes. Get this lady a blender and run to the grocery store before things get ugly.

In Mayberry the Vitamix stood ready, a gift from my dad. A powerful appliance he chronically underused when I was a kid, but consistently raved about. It breathed new life with the current juicing/smoothie trends. In my sweaty delirium, I decided to look up drink recipes. I came across a few good ones for–bear with me here–healthy Frostys.

Look. I know a Frosty can only be improved by adding french fries. Since I don’t dispense soft-serve ice cream or own a deep fryer in Mayberry, I improvised. Dreaming of the yellow, waxed paper cup overfilled with curled creamy goodness, I saw the Vitamix and decided to attempt spoon-ready greatness.

A healthy frosty compliments my never-ending quest for quality chocolate in life. Any mention of cacao powder and I’m in. However, the most important thing about a frozen beverage is texture. I chase the satisfying slushy sip, the perfect balance of solid to liquid. Imagine the soft whishppp as the concoction climbs up a straw evenly. It provides a primal comfort, the instinctual suckle babies rely on to sustain life. We do not outgrow this.

I prepped for the experiment. I peeled a couple of bananas and chopped them into 1-inch chunks, freezing them on a parchment-lined cookie sheet. It was hard work, but someone had to sacrifice for this mission. Twenty minutes passed. I popped a half-dozen banana slices into the blender. I shook in about a tablespoon of cacao powder and poured in a cup or so of vanilla soy milk. Finally, I heaved in a large handful of ice cubes. Lid secured, I fired up the Vitamix. As if defending the house from a loud intruder, the terriers rounded on me and barked at the whirling machine. Oh welshies.

I increased the power to pulverize any remaining ice shards. A straw-clogging drink reveals poor execution. A healthy frosty needs to be a homogeneous mixture. Chunks are for amateurs. Those unfortunate enough to do a cement mixer shot in a college dive bar understand the dissatisfaction of heterogeneous mixtures sloshing around in the mouth. Ewww.

I cut the power. With a spoon, I poked the tan substance. It sort of burped and lightly resisted the utensil. Not too watery, not too stiff.

I poured a serving into a glass mason jar, sticking a straw in like an explorer claiming territory with her flag. I took a sip. A blissful whishppp met my ears, and a smooth coolness hit my tongue. This frozen treat delighted. Is there anything better than a frozen drink in the summer? Pass over a salty snack, bottoms up.

What’s your favorite frozen treat? Do you like Frostys? Would you make frozen beverages at home? Ever had a mishap with a blender? Tell me about it.



10 Comments Add yours

  1. Casee says:

    My absolute favorite frozen treat is ice cream sandwiches. A close second is any flavor of milkshakes. Unfortunately, I can’t partake as much as I could as kid because lactose and I are no longer on the best of terms. When I was a kid my brother decided to get healthy and started drinking protein shakes with wheat germ. It was my job to clean the blender and it was the old kind where the parts didn’t separate so cleaning it was a pain. It turned me against blenders for a long time. That, and the requisite forgetting to put the lid all the way down and milkshake painting the ceiling and walls and an angry mom. Good times. Not really. 🙂

    1. Blender cleanup is the worst!

  2. For the last few days it has been hot, 30 degrees, in the UK. This is unusual and your post makes me want to rush out and buy a super de lux blender but, if I do, will I make it rain!? Don’t think it’s worth the risk but thank you anyway for a delicious post.

    1. Where’s that buffoon Loadsamoney now, he could supply some blenders.

  3. shalvageffen says:

    When we perfected out healthy Frosty, we knew we could get through the summer. Some of our favorite cooling Vitamix recipes here!

  4. Kathy peterson says:

    Sounds luscious! We use our blender a lot! Went through a green smoothie phase. Now onto protein shakes after a long run cause hot eggs just don’t make it in the summer. My protein shake has milk, protein powder, banana, and peanut butter, really good!

    1. Sounds like a great smoothie, Kathy.

  5. I love the way that you wrote this, with the frothy descriptions and sound effects ~ I definitely got a craving.

    1. There cannot be too many frosty be a on sunny days.

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